Everything
by grimm psyke
Summary: DouWata Collection: all that they have together.
1. Doubt

The first time Doumeki realised he loved Kimihiro, he was surprised. Not that he was adverse to loving someone, not really. And he wasn't surprised by the subject that his heart chose to cherish; by then he knew nearly every quality of Kimihiro, good and bad, and had found no fault in his motivations. And Doumeki knew that love knew no bounds, so when he realised he loved Kimihiro, he didn't really mind that Kimihiro didn't love him back. What he was truly surprised by was that he had been completely wrong, because Kimihiro _did_ love him.

The first time that Watanuki realised that he loved Shizuka, he felt guilty. Not because he thought he was being selfish, and imposing his feelings on Shizuka. And it wasn't because Shizuka was a man. He'd been through enough to know that love had no bounds, and that he should cherish his feelings for Shizuka. No, he felt guilty because while he loved everything about Shizuka, the reason he fell _in_ love with Shizuka was not just because he was strong, handsome, capable, loyal though he loved that too... He loved Shizuka for his weakness as well.

But that's how they've always been, their opinions and actions sliding past one another, not quite matching, just enough to cause sparks.


	2. Reality

Doumeki isn't sure who first told him about it. Maybe it was Yuuko, or maybe it was Watanuki, or even maybe his grandfather, which would explain why he doesn't remember who told him or when he had been told. Either way, he was told about most of the situation, that Watanuki wasn't truly supposed to exist and all... That was the only reason he could come to accept that Watanuki was meant to take the shop. But Yuuko had said before - this was a long time before, probably before Watanuki could remember - Watanuki and Doumeki are connected. Hitsuzen, the red string of fate, serendipity, something like that.

He wonders why he's remembering this now, as Watanuki lays on the tatami mat floor, pipe abandoned, sake tray empty, curled around Mokona. Tomorrow, Watanuki will complain that he has a crick in his neck, that his hips are aching (but not for any reason that Doumeki would find pleasing) and that he felt a cold coming on. Doumeki will move him in a few minutes though, to his bed. Of course, Watanuki will scold him for that too.

And Doumeki regrets being the reason Watanuki is passed out cold on the floor right now. If he hadn't asked that question, they both knew the answer anyways, then the night would have passed peacefully, or normally - with Watanuki coldly telling him to leave soon after he entered the door and said hello to Maru and Moro. Which is what had been happening for the past few months. Again, he thinks, the question is Watanuki's fault then. If he hadn't kicked Doumeki out, then Doumeki would never have thought of the question.

Taking a sip of the cup of water he has in his hands, Doumeki stands up. The fabric of his yukata makes a soft sound on the wood floor. Normally Watanuki would wake at the sound; he's a light sleeper. But instead he lays in a drunken stupor.

Doumeki imagines if the world were different, if Fei Wang hadn't interfered with the workings of the universes.

Kunogi. That had been the answer to his question.

Somehow, he knew before then. Now that he thinks about it, the price he paid to know the answer was probably his memory of who told him. He saw how much it hurt Watanuki. If anything, he simply reminded Watanuki that nothing was simple for him any more, that he couldn't even have friends because anything he did for them or they did for him had to be repaid. That wasn't the way things were supposed to work. So Doumeki silently berates himself, as he puts Watanuki to bed. This is his punishment for hurting Watanuki, he understands - to know that he hurt Watanuki. He decides to wait, for a moment he remains standing, watching the soft rise and fall of Watanuki's chest underneath the blankets, the bright shine of the moonlight on Watanuki's cheek. The moonlight illuminates the tears that are caught in Watanuki's eyelashes.

He sits cross legged on the floor. And he imagines.

With Kunogi, about now, he would be a career man. Instead of studying folklore in university, he would have taken biology and become a doctor, or perhaps business, so that he could support his family and eventually take over the temple. Somewhere along the line, they would have children - he probably wouldn't have to uphold the traditions with them, not as much as Haruka did with him - and eventually his parents would die and he would take over the shrine. His children would grow up, he would have grandchildren.

He shakes his head. True, it only made sense because he would have been just about the only person able to marry her without being affected by her curse, but reality, his reality at least, was different. He absently rubs his pinky, the one that aches sometimes and he knows that Watanuki is having a bad day... those are the days he makes sure to stop by the shop, and refuses to leave no matter how hard Watanuki tries to shove him out.

It's daybreak now. He isn't sure when Watanuki will wake, but he senses it will be soon, and that he will have a monstrous headache (but that part isn't intuition.) When he does wake, Doumeki will remain unseen for a few seconds - even if Watanuki has become a Wizard of the Dimensions, it doesn't mean he's all knowing, he's still just as air headed at times as he was when they were in high school. But Watanuki will eventually notice him. Immediately, they will both feel guilty. Doumeki isn't certain what will happen after that, but he is certain that he will stay by Watanuki's side.

Somehow, no matter how much heartbreak there was, how much there is, or how much there will be, Doumeki thinks that he likes this reality better.


	3. Sacrifice

"Stop drinking so much." Not please stop drinking so much. Not you should stop drinking so much. Stop drinking so much. It wasn't a request, or a suggestion, or even a demand. It was an order.

Doumeki stared at Watanuki. "Ah?"

Blue eyes narrowed behind glass. "I said, stop drinking so much."

With a glance at his already empty sake saucer, Doumeki shrugged. There wasn't any left in the bottle either. "Why?"

A muscle in Watanuki's right cheek ticked. "What do you mean, why? Because you drink too much!" Instead of an energetic flail, Watanuki made a single, jerking motion at the tray of sake that sat beside Doumeki.

"Mokona drank most of it," Doumeki pointed out ingenuously. Watanuki's glare grew darker.

"It's a terrible habit."

"No more than smoking," was the equitable response. But Doumeki mulled over Watanuki's words. Perhaps it reminded Watanuki of... He shook his head. Even if that really was why, there was no helping it. He crossed his ankles and leaned back on his elbows in a more relaxed position. "Well?" He said.

Watanuki's expression could only be described as a sullen half-pout, half-snarl. He was no more willing to give up a straight answer as he was to tell Doumeki what he truly felt. They were, after all, one and the same.

"My stores of alcohol are nearly gone," Watanuki said tersely.

Doumeki was taken aback. "I see." He knew he didn't drink that much. It wasn't much of an explanation - it wasn't even half of an explanation. But it was what it was:

Watanuki had stopped restoring his supplies of alcohol.

"Alright," he said. It was giving up one vice for a vice given up. Watanuki made a rough sound in the back of his throat and left.

For a moment, Doumeki simply sat and listened to the wind. The grass was pale and washed out in the moonlight, more resembling mist than greenery, fireflies like stars dotting the bushes. From the trees, a cicada trilled.

"He was quiet today," Mokona said from where he lay. If either heard a soft sob from inside, they gave no indication.

Doumeki set down the empty saucer. "Hm." Smoke curled lazily out of the open shōji door and toward the moon.

"He's..."

"I know."


	4. Love

Watanuki doesn't love Himawari. Yes, he likes her, but not romantically, and only acts the way he does because she is safe. She is not involved in the spirit world (at least, as little as someone who is involved with Watanuki can be): she is not placed in the line of fire, or goo, or water, or darkness and spiders and curses and blades and ayakashi and youkai and whatever else he and Doumeki encounter on a daily basis. She is safe because she doesn't like him back except as a friend - or if she does, she cannot, does not, express it because she too has reasons, like Watanuki has reasons. Which is why he feels very little at the thought that he is losing her - only a small echo of a pain in his heart when he realised that she wasn't there at his side.

He doesn't think too deeply about his reaction to the thought that he could lose Doumeki as well.

Watanuki doesn't love Doumeki. Yes, he will now admit that he also doesn't hate Doumeki, and Doumeki has always been there when Watanuki needed him, and Doumeki's antics are as comforting now as they are annoying, and Doumeki is his anchor, but there's more to it than that. It is not that Watanuki does not want to love Doumeki - because he does not, no - but that he cannot. Because Watanuki is frozen in time, because Doumeki has no business binding himself with a being that cannot touch him, be with him, in any way, because if he cared any more about Doumeki he would break into a million pieces. Because if Doumeki was lost to Watanuki, and Watanuki did love him, Watanuki would probably cease to exist, because he doesn't think it's possible for him to exist without Doumeki at this point, and Watanuki promised. He promised he wouldn't disappear.

Doumeki doesn't love anyone. There are people he has gotten close to, people he wants to protect, but there isn't one that he loves. His situation is singular, being that he has no idea what to do. This is, of course, the first time this has ever happened to him, or perhaps the second. Or third. Or perhaps he's been unbalanced since the day he met Watanuki. It was... sometimes he'd the nagging sense that Watanuki was different, but he hadn't known just_ how_ different until he got to know Watanuki. It's a choice that he's never come to regret, except in one aspect. He's never given it thought, or rather, never given the thought enough attention for it to become fully fledged, because if he thought about it, it would become more real.

The thought comes back every time Watanuki puts himself in danger - and the thought has become Doumeki's reality.

Doumeki doesn't love Watanuki. For Doumeki, there is no one more stubborn, troublesome or infuriating. Doumeki has gone through rain and fire and hell - or something like it - for Watanuki, and he'd do it all over again. Despite this, despite everything he has sacrificed, he does not have Watanuki. Not in the least. Perhaps it is only proper: Watanuki was never meant to be in Doumeki's world. But Doumeki cherishes every moment they have together, he knows that Watanuki is on borrowed time, even as Watanuki slips through his fingers, almost as if he never was. But Doumeki refuses to let Watanuki go; not because of obligation or responsibility, not because of friendship or loyalty - it has never been about that. He doesn't know why, but for him there can be no other. All he can do is be there when Watanuki needs him, no matter how painful - torturous - his trials: he will stay.

Love is shallow compared to what they feel for each other.


	5. Price

Watanuki knows the price of a wish.

He knew the price of a wish in the beginning, even before he met Yuuko, before his life had even started. He knew the price of a wish.

The price of a wish is a soul. People had as many souls as wishes, any thing that meant anything to a person was a soul - and every soul came with a wish. But often times people wished for the wrong thing, gave their soul away for a thing that would not be able to take the soul's place, even though it was of equal value. That was because when they asked for the wrong thing, they gave away the wrong part of them, and the thing of equal value was not able to help them, because it belonged to someone else. Other times, people asked for wishes bigger than their souls. Then they grieved, because they had lost so much for something they hadn't even truly wanted. A wish is an exchange, and as an exchange, must be fair, must be fair to both parties, must follow the requirements of both parties, even if the requirements are wrong.

Sometimes he wishes he could wish to know if he chose the right wish, but he knows in his heart that he cannot know - that wish is too big for him, the sacrifice too great. It is too great already.

The price of his wish is Doumeki.

Doumeki knows the meaning of a soul.

He did not know the meaning of a soul in the beginning, before he met Watanuki, before his life even started. He felt the longing.

The meaning of a soul is a wish. The two cannot exist without the other, their only reason for existence is the other - without the one, the other is nothing. But sometimes people tried to give their wishes away, denied themselves what they needed most, and were destroyed in the process, because a soul without a wish is nothing. Sometimes they wished for the wrong thing, and their soul cried out in anguish, having lost its wish, lost the fulfillment of the one thing which would make it whole. Because a wish may seem a lack, but a wish can also be a reason, a drive, and those strong enough to get their own wishes are the ones most admire. But if a wish is gotten that is not right, the soul can never be satisfied. Because a soul may seem a whole, but a soul can also be a loss, eternally seeking what it does not have. Because a soul is not complete.

Sometimes he wonders if his own soul is right, if his decision to give his wish away was really the fulfillment of a wish - but he knows he may never know. He cherishes what he has -

The meaning of his soul is Watanuki.


	6. Ties

His magic doesn't work on Doumeki - such a befitting punishment.

It reminds him exactly of what he has become, what his world has been reduced to, as expanded as it is. He is an empty shell, waiting. He was never meant to be, he has no purpose but this. Meaningless, forgotten, but not purposeless. Who can say what he is now, truly? Doumeki has moved on without him, and it _hurts_. He has been left behind, and now he understands. He understands the true pain of protecting someone else. Bound as they are, he is also repelled by the world they belong to, because he is not meant to be bound to them. These people were not meant to be bound together, and he is the knot. He must draw the other impossibly closer, but stay distant, because of his nature. He is lost.

His power cannot protect Watanuki - an ironic torture.

It reminds him exactly of what Watanuki has become, that his own world has been split, as has his heart. Time is curls of gray blue purple curls of smoke, slipping through his fingers, destroyed by his actions, repelled, maybe, by his indecision. Who can say what he was then, truly? Watanuki has made his choice, and it _hurts_. He has been scared, and now he understands. He understands the true anguish of deciding, committing. Bound as he is, they are caught in a stalemate, because his actions may cause ripples that could start everything - or nothing. He must make his decision soon, as he is bound all the more tightly, and pushed away, further and further, over an abyss that he soon may be unable to cross.

They are tangled, in the inescapable skein of fate.


End file.
